Feelings were never meant to "feel" this way.

And why it's not your fault.

If you're one of the many out there who finds it difficult to "feel your feelings", know that you're not alone.

Nor is there anything wrong with you either.

You see, for the longest time I too didn't know how to feel my feelings.

Feelings just felt like pain to me.

Pain so intense it felt like it was tearing me up from the inside.

Anger felt like a raging storm that was taking controlling over me, wanting me to destroy everything in my path.

Anxiety felt like a earthquake in my chest and in my mind, wanting to me to do something quick or escape somehow.

And sadness? Sadness felt like pure pain, almost like my heart being wrenched out.

So what did I choose for the longest time?

I chose to numb myself for the longest time instead.

--

But you see, and it took me a long time to learn this for myself but feelings were never meant to "feel" this way.

More so, the reason why feelings hurt so much for me was because I was so tremendously terrified of them.

Because feeling my feelings felt unsafe, they felt wrong, they felt like a burden inside me instead.

Feelings signified to me that I shouldn't be feeling what I was feeling, that I must do anything I can do make this feeling go away.

And so what I was doing for the longest time was reacting to my feelings instead.

Acting out, rushing to numb myself, even hurting myself, paradoxically as it is, as a way to feel safe.

But feelings were never meant to make us feel this way.

They were meant to show us how we could become safe, loved and connected again.

--

To you out there, there's nothing wrong with you.

Just like there was nothing wrong with me for all those years either.

We just didn't get what we needed as children.

A safe space to feel what we feel.

A safe person to show us how to feel either.

And though it might take you some time to learn what you never had the chance to learn, I'm here to tell you that this is thoroughly possible.

You can learn to feel, as uncomfortable as it will be at the start.

But through feeling, so too will you heal.

With heart,

Hernping

Today I feel grateful despite a massively long week. For the many people I've met, each learning to feel again.

😊