On learning to be "me" again.

Some musing on a distant past and how you can find yourself too.

This is the story of the hardest journey I have ever been on.

The journey of learning to reconnect with "myself" again.

For the longest time in my life, I had no idea what having a sense of "self" was.

Because what does it mean to be "myself" really?

My sense of self in my growing up years was always fragile, ever changing and shifting.

With certain friends, I was the fun and funny one.

With others, I was quiet and sensitive one.

With yet others, I was always the kind, considerate and giving one, willing to sacrifice myself so that others could be happy.

Because you see, for me, I thought growing up was all about learning to "fit in".

I had a massive fear of abandonment.

A massive fear of being alone.

But what that also meant was that my sense of self was always built on the perceptions of others.

That I was only funny if others thought I was funny.

That I was only sensitive, kind, considerate, if others thought I was so as well.

But the danger of this was that I had built "myself"on the whims of others.

And that's fragile.

Because I can't tell you how many times I've felt disappointed, excluded, ashamed...

And so alone.

So who am I really?

What does it mean to find my sense of "self" again?

Well, for me, the answer first lies in accepting my story, the one that tells the narrative of my life.

That I was a troubled kid, one who went through a traumatic past and who struggled growing up.

But a kid who merely wanted to fit in.

Through healing, I learned to stop being ashamed of that kid and accept him just as he is.

Because he didn't choose to go through this either, and that it was never his fault.

Second, it's also about learning that we can never build a sense of self based upon how others view us.

Why? Because people will always think what they want to think. We can't control that. Plus, people have their own hurt to face, that they might be projecting on us too.

And the only way to build a true sense of self, really, is to feel proud of who I choose to be each and everyday.

For myself, first of all.

And then for the people that I truly love.

No longer alone.

Always with myself,

Hernping