You are not a monster.

On triggers and going deep into our feelings. And being okay again.

Because frankly, if you are monster for getting triggered, then I am a monster too.

A few days ago I got really really triggered.

I felt an immense sense of loneliness and emptiness I used to feel, for what would seem like no good reason at all.

But this feeling kinda tore at me.

And made me feel all out of sorts.

I wish I could tell you that this suffering was the end of it but it wasn't like that all.

Because triggers are hard to go through alone and who was next to me when I was triggered?

...

Unfortunately it was my dear wife of course.

So without really going into it (the shame!) but also to keep this message short, I wasn't being the best husband I could be at that time.

My wife got the brunt of my triggers.

And I was later filled with remorse.

But what got me out of this triggered state was taking a moment to go deep into myself.

Trying to nderstand this feeling that came up, and asking myself where on earth it came from.

What showed up for me was a distant memory - of a time when I was a kid.

A time when I had just lost my mother and I was all on my own feeling empty.

The memory was clear - I was on holiday with my dad and younger brother in malacca but for some reason I was all alone in a swimming pool.

Floating around by myself, grieving a bit.

Feeling really lonely all on my own.

So instead of carrying on the day being triggered, I went to this little kid within me.

I gave him a hug, and told him that I understood how he was feeling, and that what he went through wasn't easy at all.

"You just lost your mother" I said.

"It's hard for a kid to carry this all on your own".

But I also said to him this, that

"I'll be here for no matter what, let me help you carry this pain"

"But we have a wife over there waiting for us. Look at her, isn't she the most wonderful human being we've known"

"So know this okay, that we are no konger alone anymore. Take your time, but when you're ready, we need to go back to her".

And with a bit of time, that kid in me nodded and came along.

And we embraced the rest of the day, together.

Take care,

Hernping

🧒💙