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You are not meant to look after everyone's feelings.
This is what I've learnt to do instead.
Before you judge the words on this post, let me tell you a little story.
Albeit a story about a time that I'm not too proud of.
You see for a long time ago I was diagnosed with something called borderline personality disorder.
And for me that meant having a severe fear of abandonment..
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There are two flip sides to this story you see.
The first part was that I used to be constantly vigilant.
I was watchful of the emotions and reactions of everyone I cared for.
Because doesn't that make sense? Wouldn't it help me to pre-empt things?
So that if someone was upset me at me I could do something about it, and keep safe my relationship with them.
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The second was that I wanted to be "seen", to always feel like I was cared for.
And as valid as that was, unfortunately it didn't come out in the healthiest of ways...
Because you see, I projected this insecurity instead of communicating this to them.
Which meant my loved ones were always walking on eggshells.
--
To tell you the truth, those were not easy times for me and my loved ones.
Those were times of push and pull and so much emotional turmoil.
I can't tell you how bad the self-hatred was, or the rumination, or worry or resentment I held onto others.
And though I'm not proud of this, I'm sharing with you this story because I think it's really important...
Because healing involves not just our own self-awareness but also our awareness of who we are for others.
So long story short, nowadays my values are these.
For the people I care about - I choose to be a safe person for them as much as I can.
To no longer project nor keep them guessing, and to communicate my feelings and needs upfront instead.
But at the same time I will no longer spend all my time worrying - it's not my job to be vigilant and manage their emotions for them.
My job is to the person I want to be for myself, and to love in a way I know I can sustain.
And all through this, knowing that I am loved and capable of love always.
Take care,
Hernping
🌞
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